Something called...Mixed Emotions!

So, knowing myself, I am still confused as to whether this is the right thing that has happened to me. It felt while I made the decision but soon after the supposed life started, it felt like this might not be it. Whether to go back to nothing or stay with something for a while if the question. You know you have those strange jitters in your stomach when you know the awkward silence before a huge burst out. The feeling of trapped is very irritating but the feeling of being on your own & finding things that suit you is also not that great.

Why is it so that the things that you like doing often don't give you any kind of motivation. See I know people who believe their hobbies shouldn't be their careers, which I think makes sense if we look for logic. I mean if you have a hobby you might as well do it in your free time just to get over the work issues & frustrations. I don't know why on earth I don't have such kind of hobbies. Anyway, what I am still wondering is, why didn't I all the things through before taking the leap.

Assuming things is okay till some extent but going far away from the reality can be very demotivating at the end. The expectations you have from your life & future are not fulfilled and then we blame the destiny. I think this applies to our personal & professional life as well. If we keep our expectations limited to only our own behavior then you go through a lot lesser pain because every human has a distinctive capacity to forgive themselves very easily, but not others. So, I am going to forgive myself for whatever expectations I had from myself which I didn't fulfill. After all, I don't think I am sane enough to know what I really want!

SCARILY AMAZING!

          I have no clue as to what I am feeling these days. May be it's the feeling of growing up or just plain moving ahead in life. What comes as a surprise to me is the amount of excitement I have when I work. They used to say that you should have some passion in life. Can't that passion be your work or even the workplace? I used to talk about the motivations we have at our offices. It still stands true for me today. I do have a lot of motivations to come to this place called office and go through the day. It's funny to know how I got so used to this place. It seems like I have been working here for all my life. They say I have gelled with the people here very smoothly. Even I think so but knowing myself, I will soon start to feel that people are just putting up the act of being nice.         


           What if people don't like me? What is they are just nice to my face? Why am I bothered by that? Why is it affecting me so much? I don't want to be the person about whom people like to gossip more than talking to them. You know the amount of laughs I have had in this place is not even funny. But still it feels like this might not be the ultimate good thing that has happened to me. There is nothing on my mind as to what next but I am surely not at a stand still corner. This feels more like a stepping stone, which every job is but I am going through such a dilemma where I love this place & people but I am still hoping for something better. Its strange to be in this state of mind. I feel scared, excited, frustrated, blurry, sad, happy all at the same time.

Path that leads.... SOMEWHERE!

     Ever wondered why things are mysteriously stable in your life sometimes? What happens when you are not able to differentiate between the calmness and the numbness? Things happen for a reason they say. But sometimes the reason is something that you wish wouldn't have been there. The innocent girl, who likes to smile, thinks that the one small thing that makes her smile is missing somewhere, the heart. That someone who used to make her feel special now makes her feel, well, ordinary! Pestering her with some ridiculous questions about her existence in his life. And then when she actually starts thinking about that, the complaints about why things are not normal is the question.

     When things go bizarre, people try and judge you by your commitment issues. But do they know what the people, her or him, go through when they took the decision. No matter how much we say, we always judge the book by its cover. It’s always good to look at the cover closely before you start reading it right! While turning 25, I think I have gained not much, but a little more perspective to what I really want from life. And since the things that I want are not really far fetched, I still don’t know the path leading to them!

Priorities...

Okay so what should you do when the decision you took keeping in mind someone's happiness and then realize they are not and will not do the same for you? Turn back the decision? Go down the same road? Or just stay there doing nothing and drown yourself in the pit of shame, disappointment and hurt?

Contemplation...

So I thought I was doing the right thing. Atleast I had the satisfaction of taking my own decisions and shape things as I want. But then why the disappointment? Why the regret and why the fear of losing something beautiful that has happened to me. Who was real me now I wasn't sure. The strong confident person who was back then was that just a illusion or the sad, skeptic and uncertain person inside me right now is the victim of the situation? Questions!! My mind was twirling around the same fear over and over again. Was it telling me to overcome my fears? If it was then why is it so that I am still not able to figure somethings out. People say that deciding something for yourself is easy because you know yourself the best. Then why am I different these days. I used to be a girl who knew what she wanted. I used to be a girl with a stong will. I used to love myself for whatever I did. I used to be just ME! Disappearance of your real self is the most embarrasing thing. And the most shamefull moment is when you look in that small mirror somewhere and suddenly realize that this isn't the same person I was in love with. What to do and how to do it is the "question" we all have been dealing with. The same question pesters me day in and day out. How?? When?? What??!!!