Priorities...

Okay so what should you do when the decision you took keeping in mind someone's happiness and then realize they are not and will not do the same for you? Turn back the decision? Go down the same road? Or just stay there doing nothing and drown yourself in the pit of shame, disappointment and hurt?

Contemplation...

So I thought I was doing the right thing. Atleast I had the satisfaction of taking my own decisions and shape things as I want. But then why the disappointment? Why the regret and why the fear of losing something beautiful that has happened to me. Who was real me now I wasn't sure. The strong confident person who was back then was that just a illusion or the sad, skeptic and uncertain person inside me right now is the victim of the situation? Questions!! My mind was twirling around the same fear over and over again. Was it telling me to overcome my fears? If it was then why is it so that I am still not able to figure somethings out. People say that deciding something for yourself is easy because you know yourself the best. Then why am I different these days. I used to be a girl who knew what she wanted. I used to be a girl with a stong will. I used to love myself for whatever I did. I used to be just ME! Disappearance of your real self is the most embarrasing thing. And the most shamefull moment is when you look in that small mirror somewhere and suddenly realize that this isn't the same person I was in love with. What to do and how to do it is the "question" we all have been dealing with. The same question pesters me day in and day out. How?? When?? What??!!!

Confused!!

Okay so the choices we make in life are all suppose to make us feel independent and confident. If you make a choice to go out on a little drive on your own and meet with an accident you still don't blame anybody else. But then why is it so that the most crucial choices of your life, which are suppose to make you feel a lot more alive, make you feel a lot more dead inside. With all the hope, fear, anxiety I had taken a jump into this whole wide world of fire. I knew I was up for it. So did my dear ones. But then why is it so that a small terrified girl in me is telling me to take a different route altogether. If I listen to her, the strong, confident independent girl in me is going to get a major ego setback. And if I don't she is never going to trust me again. Ah the dilemma and the pressure. Both building stronger by the day!

Understanding myself!

The more we try to understand our feelings and emotions the more we get to learn new things our-self. We need to be very honest with our feelings. There is no great advice given by a friend, parent, guide, godmother anyone rather than your own heart. Honestly, I miss those days when I use to be on my own for my emotional needs. That was the time when I was all sorted out in my head. Since the time I am back with so called my people, it has increased the amount I get angry, sad, tensed, frustrated and a lot more for which I don't even have words. What is this? Why does this happen? If you love someone then living with them and living with their personalities should be so damn easy. Then why does it have to be so hard to manage these people who claim to be your best. Okay, so about friends. Those who are closer to you suddenly seem so far and those who just came along a few days back seem to be very much close. Does this happen to everyone or its just something that I am doing wrong here. I want to have someone with whom I can pour my heart out and tell all my secrets, my stories. That someone who will not judge me with my long stories and dirty secrets. People like it when we call them our friends but then what happens when that"friend" in them is needed. That time its all about how we are wrong and the expectations go way beyond limit. Trust! whom?why?when?how?!!!!!!

The motivation....

Okay so does everyone need some kind of motivation at their work places??? Be it monetary, incentives or a person...??? I think all of us do... And to be honest everyone has someone or the other at their workplaces who motivate them to come to the office daily. I, for a change, did not realize that even I had one when I am working. As they say you never realize the worth of something in your life until it is lost. All of us have that one person who we love and one who we hate to see at work. Today out of nowhere I realized my person of love and hate at work. Actually its too early to call it love to see or hate to see but I couldn't find any other word to describe exactly what I feel. This feeling doesn't mean that you are in love with that someone but it just means that the once upon a time stranger now makes you feel comfortable. That one person who pays attention to whatever is going around you and likes to listen to what you have to say. You feel a lot connected to that one person in a bunch of heads, who by the way you know the exact same amount of time, but it still doesn't feel the same. I couldn't believe how important that one person was for me until they get ready to get lost in this big city of dreams... I wish I could find them... Bring them back and thus bring life even to these dull shades of grey place!!

A new life called Mumbai...!!

Okay now Mumbai is showing me it's different and very amusing colors  My day usually starts with a mind chart of all the things I have to do in a day apart from work. Me and my roommate, both living on our own for the very first time. Never knew how to take care of a "House". Anyways as they say this city teaches you everything, so it is doing so. Now, this incident took place at around 1 and a half month back. I was a infant to the whole public transport and women reservations of this city. Boarded a bus with as usual a very heavy bag. Struggling with the weight (both the bag's and mine ;-) ) As I went ahead, a lady saw me and told me to make a guy sitting on a ladies seat, vacate it. I was amused by the way these things work and nodded in disbelief. I told her that I was new in Mumbai and thus can't do it (in short I don't have the guts to do it!) She being a typical Mumbaikar, gave me a short speech on how I MUST do it to survive in Mumbai. Looking at the lady's suggestion and somewhat insistence I did ask the guy to vacate the seat. And the guy without any protest gave me the seat and made a face as if he has done something really horrible in life. The lady had to get off the bus so she went near the door and looked back with a smile welcomed me to Mumbai and told me to take care of myself in the new city. I felt like a winner with someone else's achievement, like I just won a million dollars on someone else's luck. I will never forget the incident and the lady... They taught me to live with full confidence. They taught me to survive.... They taught me Mumbai!!

The Real Me.... I Think!!

I have never written a blog about how I feel. I started writing only to vent out a few feelings and it built up into a story. But recently I started reading a book by Rhonda Byrne, Secret, The Power. I have always wondered how can positive thinking help us get whatever we want in life. Money, Health, Love! But since I have started reading it I feel some weird energy going through me which is constantly removing my negative thoughts and reminding me of what all I have read in the book. I am still a bit skeptical about how the book is going to turn up but one thing am sure of that it will make me understand that no matter what happens in my life I will have atleast one person who will love me the most. And that is Myself!! I know this may sound as self obsessed as hell but this the the first step for me to put down all the things I want to get rid from my behavior. For example if I feel that even I won't like a short tempered person so there it goes the first step is to reduce my temper and thus trying to be a better person in life. I still think there are a lot of things that I need to think about and change in me but atleast a small start is not that bad.... Anyone reading this?? Let me know what you think.....

I believe I can....

I wonder why I believed in others when they said I cannot do it. When all I needed to know that I can. My arms were my strength I never realized. I was standing on the cliff to kill the good me and run away. I was ignoring the happiness standing in front of me. The winds in the mountains told me something else. They touched my head, my hair and my ears to tell me that I was wrong. They told me to keep faith and go on. They promised me to show their best side and bring me back to life. And as they say nature doesn't lie. The curse was broken. I was able to see myself in the mirror as I always was. I was a sparkling star with a never seen glitter. I was a sea in the vast dessert. I could see, I could see me. I wanted to fly. With spreading my wings and taking a leap high up in the sky. I knew I was going to fall, but I knew someone out there would take care of me. I could feel my arms getting stronger. I could feel the mountains touching my feet and pushing me to go higher. The only time i would look back was to tell someone that I am going to be just fine. I would touch the sky and return. I believe I can...

A pinch happiness with two pinch pain

What is true and what not is something I am not aware of. The past was showing me all the colours of life which never existed. And here I am, again, to feel the grey shades of life at their best. Did the colours fly away or did I go blind? Was it something that i had done? I started believing in myself. I started believing that it can't be right, I cannot be right! I felt as if my hands had knives on them to stab, my eyes had fire in them to burn and my words had thorns in them to make that someone bleed. I started believing it was always something that was never mine. It was something I never deserved. With people telling me I was wrong but was that someone wrong? Was the words spoken by that someone false, I didn't think so! So here I am to feel the dark sides take over and teach me to go more deeper and sink into the black sea like a black rock!