The Complicated Simple!

You feel a need to laugh, when you can't. You feel a need to express when you have to hide. You do something that makes you sad just because there is something pushing you to do it. My heart cries for something that was never mine. I feel homesick for a place I have never ever been to. I miss the laughaholic me. I miss being crazily in love with myself and with someone who would do weird things I did once.

I don’t have bones, I have curves. I don't have bruises, I have scars which I have earned and well deserved. I have a past, which has taught me a lot of things and has made me as strong. Some people love me for something and some hate for the same things. I have done well and I have made mistakes. I love curling in bed on a lazy day and not have a bath and only eat. I love working hard for getting the things I want in life. I am random and crazy and moody. 

But I am me. I don’t regret anything in my life. I don’t pretend to be someone I am not. I make no apologies for who I am. If I love you, I’ll do it with all my heart and soul into it. I won’t change the good me for anyone. I would do anything in the world for those people and will make them stay the last mile as well. 

What if you feel bad for a mistake you never made? What if someone judges you for something that you can't even think about doing? What if things get dark when you were just looking at the bright? You need answers. You need justifications. You need clarifications. But what if you are the only one left to do that?

The Emotionless!

He looks at me with those eyes full of dreams. He never saw those dreams himself, just made me see them with a bright hope. The things I always looked for all gathered in his one glance. The sweet torture that life taught me seemed like a pleasant peck on my cheek when it came from him. The hug, so tight yet so warm was life a butterfly kiss. 

But that one day changed it all. Like a dark gloomy day in the Indian summer. The time flew so fast. I thought all I was with is that one drop of the tear. The nights turned themselves from his dreams to his memories. The day filled itself with all the ignorance to the obvious. We spoke to each other with questions. We looked at each other with shattered lives. What went wrong was the question in my heart and what went right was in his. He never answered my question and never asked one himself. 

I thought I was the happiest with him. With all the moments we shared, the one in the mystic place seemed to top it all. The things that I did not feel when he was around were increasingly becoming my soulmates when he was gone. The feelings that went running down my smile were running down my tears.

We became acquaintances, we became friends, we became friends for life and departed as strangers for eternity. Neither of us wanted it but none of us stopped it too. Now here we stand, him looking at a different hope and me looking at a shattered self asking myself the same old question... What went wrong?

The Singing Silence

All that was happening, she felt different. It's like she had not known herself for almost all her life. It is wrong to expect someone to understand her completely but was it so hard to even try... The silent roar of her heart was making her weak. For once she had thought she was worth. For once she thought that the so called magical words exist. All that she was looking for was a hand holding her's telling her to just be... Telling her the truths of life with a smile. She smiled back to him and to herself in a belief that atleast now she will 'live'. But all that came down like a house of cards on a seashore. And then she found herself standing on that cliff again... where there was no one around, not even the silence!

Something called...Mixed Emotions!

So, knowing myself, I am still confused as to whether this is the right thing that has happened to me. It felt while I made the decision but soon after the supposed life started, it felt like this might not be it. Whether to go back to nothing or stay with something for a while if the question. You know you have those strange jitters in your stomach when you know the awkward silence before a huge burst out. The feeling of trapped is very irritating but the feeling of being on your own & finding things that suit you is also not that great.

Why is it so that the things that you like doing often don't give you any kind of motivation. See I know people who believe their hobbies shouldn't be their careers, which I think makes sense if we look for logic. I mean if you have a hobby you might as well do it in your free time just to get over the work issues & frustrations. I don't know why on earth I don't have such kind of hobbies. Anyway, what I am still wondering is, why didn't I all the things through before taking the leap.

Assuming things is okay till some extent but going far away from the reality can be very demotivating at the end. The expectations you have from your life & future are not fulfilled and then we blame the destiny. I think this applies to our personal & professional life as well. If we keep our expectations limited to only our own behavior then you go through a lot lesser pain because every human has a distinctive capacity to forgive themselves very easily, but not others. So, I am going to forgive myself for whatever expectations I had from myself which I didn't fulfill. After all, I don't think I am sane enough to know what I really want!

SCARILY AMAZING!

          I have no clue as to what I am feeling these days. May be it's the feeling of growing up or just plain moving ahead in life. What comes as a surprise to me is the amount of excitement I have when I work. They used to say that you should have some passion in life. Can't that passion be your work or even the workplace? I used to talk about the motivations we have at our offices. It still stands true for me today. I do have a lot of motivations to come to this place called office and go through the day. It's funny to know how I got so used to this place. It seems like I have been working here for all my life. They say I have gelled with the people here very smoothly. Even I think so but knowing myself, I will soon start to feel that people are just putting up the act of being nice.         


           What if people don't like me? What is they are just nice to my face? Why am I bothered by that? Why is it affecting me so much? I don't want to be the person about whom people like to gossip more than talking to them. You know the amount of laughs I have had in this place is not even funny. But still it feels like this might not be the ultimate good thing that has happened to me. There is nothing on my mind as to what next but I am surely not at a stand still corner. This feels more like a stepping stone, which every job is but I am going through such a dilemma where I love this place & people but I am still hoping for something better. Its strange to be in this state of mind. I feel scared, excited, frustrated, blurry, sad, happy all at the same time.