People Go.... Memories Don't!

There is always that one time when you fall in love with a person in just mere minutes of talking to them and you love yourself because of that feeling. You feel like looking at yourself the way they look at you. You want to see your own world with their eyes. But sometimes these people disappear in the moment and to never return. We feel heartbroken and shattered but you are still somewhere happy that it happened to you, that they happened to you! You have a lot of people who just come and go in your life which don't mean anything to you. Sometimes the people who are there in your life for years don't mean anything to you. But there is that one person who comes and never leaves. They don't leave from your heart, never from your soul. No matter what happens, nobody can make you forget them. Not the stars, the moon and the sun. It just hurts when something in far away universe decide your destiny. And something that was in your heart goes into a shell never to be broken. You feel a need to cry but you can't. You feel a need to scream at someone up there but you can't and that's destiny. You can write your destiny but you can't write your own feelings. That's the epitome of irony. We decide to smile for others but you can't smile even for yourself. Irony playing it hard with your feelings!

The Complicated Simple!

You feel a need to laugh, when you can't. You feel a need to express when you have to hide. You do something that makes you sad just because there is something pushing you to do it. My heart cries for something that was never mine. I feel homesick for a place I have never ever been to. I miss the laughaholic me. I miss being crazily in love with myself and with someone who would do weird things I did once.

I don’t have bones, I have curves. I don't have bruises, I have scars which I have earned and well deserved. I have a past, which has taught me a lot of things and has made me as strong. Some people love me for something and some hate for the same things. I have done well and I have made mistakes. I love curling in bed on a lazy day and not have a bath and only eat. I love working hard for getting the things I want in life. I am random and crazy and moody. 

But I am me. I don’t regret anything in my life. I don’t pretend to be someone I am not. I make no apologies for who I am. If I love you, I’ll do it with all my heart and soul into it. I won’t change the good me for anyone. I would do anything in the world for those people and will make them stay the last mile as well. 

What if you feel bad for a mistake you never made? What if someone judges you for something that you can't even think about doing? What if things get dark when you were just looking at the bright? You need answers. You need justifications. You need clarifications. But what if you are the only one left to do that?

The Emotionless!

He looks at me with those eyes full of dreams. He never saw those dreams himself, just made me see them with a bright hope. The things I always looked for all gathered in his one glance. The sweet torture that life taught me seemed like a pleasant peck on my cheek when it came from him. The hug, so tight yet so warm was life a butterfly kiss. 

But that one day changed it all. Like a dark gloomy day in the Indian summer. The time flew so fast. I thought all I was with is that one drop of the tear. The nights turned themselves from his dreams to his memories. The day filled itself with all the ignorance to the obvious. We spoke to each other with questions. We looked at each other with shattered lives. What went wrong was the question in my heart and what went right was in his. He never answered my question and never asked one himself. 

I thought I was the happiest with him. With all the moments we shared, the one in the mystic place seemed to top it all. The things that I did not feel when he was around were increasingly becoming my soulmates when he was gone. The feelings that went running down my smile were running down my tears.

We became acquaintances, we became friends, we became friends for life and departed as strangers for eternity. Neither of us wanted it but none of us stopped it too. Now here we stand, him looking at a different hope and me looking at a shattered self asking myself the same old question... What went wrong?

The Singing Silence

All that was happening, she felt different. It's like she had not known herself for almost all her life. It is wrong to expect someone to understand her completely but was it so hard to even try... The silent roar of her heart was making her weak. For once she had thought she was worth. For once she thought that the so called magical words exist. All that she was looking for was a hand holding her's telling her to just be... Telling her the truths of life with a smile. She smiled back to him and to herself in a belief that atleast now she will 'live'. But all that came down like a house of cards on a seashore. And then she found herself standing on that cliff again... where there was no one around, not even the silence!

Something called...Mixed Emotions!

So, knowing myself, I am still confused as to whether this is the right thing that has happened to me. It felt while I made the decision but soon after the supposed life started, it felt like this might not be it. Whether to go back to nothing or stay with something for a while if the question. You know you have those strange jitters in your stomach when you know the awkward silence before a huge burst out. The feeling of trapped is very irritating but the feeling of being on your own & finding things that suit you is also not that great.

Why is it so that the things that you like doing often don't give you any kind of motivation. See I know people who believe their hobbies shouldn't be their careers, which I think makes sense if we look for logic. I mean if you have a hobby you might as well do it in your free time just to get over the work issues & frustrations. I don't know why on earth I don't have such kind of hobbies. Anyway, what I am still wondering is, why didn't I all the things through before taking the leap.

Assuming things is okay till some extent but going far away from the reality can be very demotivating at the end. The expectations you have from your life & future are not fulfilled and then we blame the destiny. I think this applies to our personal & professional life as well. If we keep our expectations limited to only our own behavior then you go through a lot lesser pain because every human has a distinctive capacity to forgive themselves very easily, but not others. So, I am going to forgive myself for whatever expectations I had from myself which I didn't fulfill. After all, I don't think I am sane enough to know what I really want!