Body-shaming myself!

Fat, fatso, elephant, baby hippo, and whatnot. The clothes in your age section at the mall don't fit, and the shoes in the gender section don't fit. You sit on the last bench at school because otherwise other students cannot pass through. You cannot sit on the swing at the park because, well, you are fat! All these were just till my primary schooling. The secondary school version of these comments blackened even further. As adolescence was catching up, kids started to judge each other for the choice of clothes, colors, and well ofcourse shapes. And the talk of the town is when a girl is fat, it directly means she is going to be forever alone.

I am one such girl,  born and brought up in a pretty secure, cozy family. Parents, unintentionally, imbibed the same thoughts in me. Get slim, or else you will be left alone. Friends (all slim and petite), started to have boyfriends and mini skirts. And here I was, struggling with the thigh chafing. Trying to find a solution to the underwear rashes and grandma arms. 

Well, even after such a fat childhood, I managed to gather up the confidence to get a boyfriend in college and somehow ended up being some kind of a sex magnet. Why? Because apparently, no matter what continent, most men want a thick girl in bed but a petite one in the living room. Enlightenment struck by the end of my 18th year. It seems, if you want to be desired, you better over-compensate by giving a lot more than what you receive. And that's exactly how my college years went by.

And here I stand today, with just a handful of non-judgemental people in my life where I feel secure, wanted, and empowered. Knowing, no matter what the world says, my mind matters more than my body. My intelligence trumps my libido. My dreams outdo my sexuality.

Although it was pretty late in life, I finally, and most importantly, proudly stopped body-shaming myself!  This is to all those women out there - Before everyone else, I think its time to first accept ourselves and stop body-shaming ourselves!

A note to self...

The road seems too long when you try to walk it alone. But as a matter of fact you are never alone. To come to think of it, you actually have a lot of things to be thought about. You actually need to spend some time with yourself to find the better you. I feel it's always difficult to communicate with self. I have been struggling all my life to find the suitable time to talk to myself. After a few unsuccessful attempts to do so I figured that even though I say that I don't care what the world says, I actually care a lot. Rather too much to let myself let loose even when I am alone.

What does someone think of you? How do they see you? Are you good enough for them to keep you in their lives? Am I a good person to be around? All these and many more questions have always haunted me. They suck out so much energy that I forget to be myself. I am so consumed by these thoughts that I miss out on the fact that there are people who like me just the way I am. The so very pessimistic me has always looked at those who would look away when I am smiling. Never really bothered looking at those who are smiling just because I am smiling.

This goes to all of them who have been mean, rude and cold with me. It is because of you guys I found some of the most real friends in life. Just something that my heart felt today!

Zindagi

Manzeelein toh bohot mili, raste bohot kum.

Dost bhi bohot mile, humsafar bohot kum.

Samajhnewale bohot mile, bina kahe samajhnewale sirf tum!

Aaj thodasa hasne ka mann kiya, tumhari yaad aayi, aasuyon ne humari taraf rukh mod liya.

Aaj thodasa rone ka mann kiya, tumhari yaadon ne hi uspe malham laga diya.

Ye kaisa pyaar diya tumne ki jab bhi kuch mehsoos karna chaha, tumhare khayalon ne uska rukh hi badal diya!

The black one

Well, it's one of those days today when you feel nothing. When you don't want to feel anything. Being so driven by emotions, I have always spoken or written my heart out. But this is some new territory. Something different. Something much bigger than my feelings. It has been 2 years that I am staying alone and all it has done to me is made me grow up a lot. Adulting is difficult to handle when you look at it as work. But if you truly love the way you are turning out and don't keep any regrets, it is a wonderful experience and to know that you can do everything by yourself. Basically you can be your own hero!

You can take all the decisions on your own, you can make mistakes and learn from them without anyone instructing you. You can push yourself to do things which otherwise you wouldn't because you have someone to fall back on. It's scary how staying  alone grows on you. You don't need anyone to do anything for you. You don't have anyone to look at you when you are miserable. You don't have anyone to raise eyebrows when you do something weird.

But to come to think of it, is it really a boon or a curse? Is it so that you won't ever feel the need to share your life with someone? Is it so that you start liking being alone that everything else just seems puny? Wondering if this could mean that I would want someone more than anything now or I wouldn't!

The birthplace of sarcasm

Inspite of being a home to many people from different cultures and parts of India, Pune is made of hilariously arrogant people. You get to see this city doing everything with discipline, except watching its mouth. We celebrate, with discipline. We mourn, with discipline.

With all the other pluses, Pune gets a title of the city that sleeps from 1 pm to 4 pm. So what if someone chooses to let go of the money he'll make in those 3 hours. So what if he gives priority to his beauty sleep rather than slogging. And you will see Pune being proud of their beauty sleep even today.

Coming back to arrogance. The birthplace of royalty, the Peshwas. I think this statement does full justice to the sentiment. You will see the Peshwai running in our blood even today, and it doesn't matter if you aren't related to the originals. For a Punekar, being arrogant doesn't come from mere genes. It is innate. It is passed on from generation to generation. Do parents teach their kids about it? The answer is yes. Not by telling the kids, but by behavior. You see, we believe more in practical training. People who do not belong to this city are always bothered by this fact.

And yet again, inspite of all this, Pune bagged the title of most livable city in India for the second time in a row!